Friday, November 22, 2013
I've been filled with a quiet excitement. I've wanted to shout aloud for all to hear: I'm pregnant!! While this is true, there has also been a part of me that has wanted to harbor my gift, to keep it safe and quietly protected. Excitement and joy have filled my spirit, but everything about the last 4-5 months has been a time of sobriety. The new, amazing, I'm-pregnant bliss that I had with Scout, and with Grace, has been tempered greatly, and I've just not experienced that mountaintop, everything's-going-to-be-amazingly-wonderful attitude. It's as though my innocence has simply been lost in that regard. This tempering process, while very good and necessary, has also seemingly manifested little holes through which doubts and fears have entered. Fear has been that unwelcome solicitor who simply refuses to leave my doorstep, providing me with an onslaught of extremely convincing arguments as to why I should buy in, and ultimately squelch any excitement that bubbles within.
I am 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant...not that I'm counting. I am two days past where I was when we found out that we lost Grace. Every step of this journey has been a cycle of tears, joy,worry, anxiety, tears, joy, worry, anxiety. Each appointment and ultrasound I've had has involved insomnia, night-time imaginings of an outcome that will surely result in pain and heartache, insanely heightened nerves accompanied by a crazy-fast heart beat that I'm convinced is audible to an outsider, a steady stream of prayers and pleas that offer rest and a soothing to my soul, followed by the moment-of-truth breath holding while the doppler searches for my baby's heartbeat...and ultimately, a sigh of relief and praise to my God that He is sustaining the little life that is growing within me. He is knitting this baby together perfectly; this baby is healthy; this baby is His gift...to me, and I'm overcome with gratitude.
Today was the first appointment I've had where I've not gone through my fear cycle. I didn't feel nervous or anxious. I knew at the start of this pregnancy that the first 20 weeks would be challenging, which it absolutely was. I also know, and have known, that I'm not guaranteed to hold this sweet baby, even by making it past this 20 week mark. But making it to 20 weeks was such a huge emotional and mental milestone that I find myself strangely content, relieved, and at peace. God has been so very faithful to calm my fears over, and over, and over. And I somehow feel like He's given me the okay to relax, and to fully enjoy this little baby. I feel her gentle movements throughout the day, and have been for a couple weeks now, which almost brings tears to my eyes each time. It feels like her movements are God's whisper to savor this time, to allow myself to enjoy her, and to really invest in her.
Thank you to our dear family and friends who have been so loving, supportive, and prayerful. Thank you for crying out along with us for God's grace, protection, and sufficient love to surround our family. We have felt it all, and we are so incredibly grateful. Please continue praying for our family, and for this baby girl. We hope with all hopes that we get to hold her in our arms in early April.
Posted by the zundelephant in the room at 4:03 PM